"I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate. ”He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.
“But I love him.”
“So love him.” “But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Happy New Year Dear Friends!
I look forward to 2018, because I get to start over again. We all get to start over again. We don’t need to wait for a new year to do that. Every day is a new day and the good news is that we get to start over as many times as we need to.
The end of a year almost always has a way of getting me to unzip my human suit, check in with my soul, shine the klieg light on all of my pains and shortcomings, and ask myself what needs to change.
As my mentor says, “you’re only in control of so much, so be in control of it,” and boy oh boy is that true.
It’s a tight wire act, being gentle with ourselves while taking a good, hard look at what we can do to make ourselves better, face the losses we have experienced, and bring more happiness, peace, and prosperity into our day-to-day living. But before that can happen, we must empty the cup that holds our anger and upsets, if we are to pour anything new into it.
Sometimes the message we knew, but forgot, comes in the most unexpected ways.
The other night I happened upon a film that was made many years ago, but somehow never saw it until now. In the film, a woman decided she didn’t like the direction her life was headed in, and could not take another day of it as it was. She made drastic changes.
She was unzipping her human suit.
She was living in silent desperation and needed to find peace and understanding, so she took a year off to live in 3 different countries to find her self.
The film is a true story from the best selling book, Eat. Pray. Love.
So many things in that movie moved me, but the scene that spoke the loudest was when Julia Roberts character would get completely undone over her lingering negative feelings of missing her ex boyfriend, which could be a metaphor for just about anything.
Her friend at the ashram told her, “So, miss him, and drop it.”
That line of dialogue got my attention. That was me.
Not the missing the ex boyfriend part, for me that line was a metaphor for many things that have been my kryptonite. The ‘dropping it’ part was what became so difficult. I realized that I was filled with the heavy weight of a full year of not ‘dropping it.’ I felt it, but instead of dropping it, I wore it like a bad suit.
Then I put it in the bank, and collected interest on it. I was invested in my upset, and I didn’t even know it.
Our feelings, no matter no matter how negative or positive, are not something to run from, but rather, to run to. ‘Feel the feeling and drop it.’ Just remember to do the ‘drop it’ part. This reminds me of the old Slim Fast commercials, “all you have to do is have a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and eat a sensible dinner.” IF I knew how to eat a sensible dinner I wouldn’t need the shakes. In other words, at first, it’s easier said then done. But it is do-able, and surprisingly, not as difficult as it seems.
Your well being depends on it.
So often we do not want to cry when we are sad, hurt, or grieving. We are taught that we have to man up, or even worse, “suck it up.” Ugh. If anyone ever uses that line on you, beware. There is no fun to be had with a person who uses that phrase. My God, sucking it up is what makes us emotionally ill.
As I write this, it is 15 minutes to 2018.
This past year was a rough and challenging year for so many.
But, it was also a year of revelations, undeniable truths, and a lot of grieving. Grief is the one thing that I can’t just feel and drop it. I am not sure we are supposed to. There comes a day you just do. You keep the good memories but drop the misery.
For example, my Nugget has been gone a year and a half and I still grieve him every single day. I don’t cry every single day, I just miss him.
I miss my Mom, I miss my Mother in Law. But loss and hurt are a part of life and we must give them their due. We don’t have to live there forever.
Pets and the death of our loved ones deserve more than “feel the feeling then drop it.”
At a Christmas party in our home, my friends Stephanie, Samantha, and I cried over our pets and how much we miss them and it was very healing. I suspect my tears were about many things that I’ve lost and could do nothing about.
The beauty was that not a one of us cared that our running mascara made us look like raccoons at a dinner party. We were beautiful raccoons and we felt so much better, and so much more connected as a result of being vulnerable to our sadness and sentiment.
We were safe. We were set free. We thanked each other for the opportunity to share and get it out with people who understand. We didn’t feel the need to give advice, but offer compassion and understanding through our mutual tears.
I think I was also grieving the loss of my happy self, the person I was born to be. I also realized that now was the time to refocus my energies. It was time.
So, right now, right this very minute, I reclaim my peace. It will look better on me, and the material is softer. Today is a new day.
There are some who can’t handle other peoples emotions (unless they’re happy happy) they just can’t handle something that’s not perfect. And that’s okay, but it’s not where you want to unload. Know who and where your safe people and places are. And don’t wear them out. All you need is for someone to hear you. Don’t expect or need them to fix you. That’s a therapists job.
You can heal yourself. The secret is to get negative emotions out as much as you need to. Whether it’s with a professional, or crying into your pillow, Better out than in.
One day you will find that it does not make you so sad. It works because you simply get sick of yourself. You get tired of feeling sad, angry, and exhausted. Nothing exhausts us like our emotions.
Holding things in creates illness in the mind and body. Not to mention it brings us even more pain as you start to really beleive that the looping tape in your head has no stop button. The truth is that you actually do have control. The stop button is right under your finger.
The trick is to change it before it changes you. Push the stop button.
It is time to find your peace.
Like so many people, I lost a lot in 2017. I am contemplating what I need to change to have my peace restored. In my contemplation, I know that I am only in control of one thing, and that’s me. I cannot control all circumstances, and I especially cannot control what other people think, say, do, or how they behave.
I am in of control what I think, what I say, and what I do.
“You’re only in control of so much, so be in control of it.”
One thing I can recommit to is reacting.
I used to be the champion of not reacting, but 2017 really did a number on me. I was so broken down, I found myself unable to peacefully walk away from people, and situations that were just downright painful. I had no reserves. Wait. Let me correct that. I was able to walk away, but held onto my brokenness as if my life depended on it.
I wore my negative emotions like a badge of honor, and I knew better. I needed a reminder and it came to me in the form of a line in a movie I happened upon. I told myself the same thing that I say to my clients:
If you know better, then do better.
Feel, forgive, and move on.
Forgiving doesn’t mean we have to have dinner with the person, we forgive them and we forgive ourselves. It makes dropping it or moving on a little easier.
So lets do better together. Let’s make the 2018 the year we stop reacting to people and things. Together, let’s find our joy, our peace and understanding that we are in control of only ourselves and take back the personal power that the good Lord gave us. Lets make our spiritual life the key focus and cornerstone for everything.
If you lose your way, say a prayer and thank God for your ability to accept that, and change it. You know how, everything you need is already there inside of you. No need to beat ourselves (and everyone around us) up.
Remember, gratitude changes everything. I am grateful for all of it. I have learned a lot this year. I look forward to sharing it with you.
Peace begets peace. Joy begets joy. This is the year This is our year!
I choose joy. How about you?